Our lifestyle guru Pete Wylde gives you more advice on surviving The Capital when times are hard…

1. Go Fishing in the Danube
Ever felt peckish after lunch and not had the change for a falafel? Never had alkaline poisoning and salmonella at the same time? Well today’s your lucky day, sunshine. Just get down to the chain bridge and catch yourself a Danube Floating Trout. No need for expensive fishing rods and nets, a Tesco carrier bag attached to a length of dental floss will be sturdy enough to snare any delicious creature the big brown snake drags along. Be sure to get in quick before the red sludge makes it too easy.

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TOP TIP #1: ‘Best served with Tefol on the steps of the Basilica’.

2. Play ‘Who is the Hottest on the Metro?’
A neat little game for boys and girls that could get the pulses racing and doesn’t cost a Forint. You have just 5 seconds after sitting down on a metro seat to scan the entire carriage and make your own list of the loveliest looking passengers. Then sit back and observe your choices for what they really are. Does the Adonis sitting next to you have a mouth full of decaying tombstone teeth? Is that bulging cleavage owned by an overweight male pensioner? Does that girl with the eye patch model for Dior? It’s like a lottery. With no winners.

TOP TIP #2: ‘Staring too long can result in arrest’.

3. Get a ‘Homeless Haircut’
Too poor to get that mullet trimmed down to size? Not any more! There is a special homeless lady who styles you a mean barnet from a local roadside bench (I’m not actually kidding about this one). Last seen trimming away in the pouring rain outside the Spar on Raday Ucta, a handful of Golden Gate tobacco should be enough to guarantee any Budapest hipster with that must-have slept-on-a-bench look.

TOP TIP #3: ‘A wink and a smile might earn you a free swig of floor-cleaner wine while you wait.’

4. Get A Job?
Mum and Dad’s personal favourite, getting a job is by far the most traditional way to alleviate poverty. A warning though, this technique could have the side-effect of isolating you from 4-day raves and drum circles. The theory behind this method comes from an old European saying which, roughly translated, goes ‘He who turns up at the same place several times a week and performs specified tasks, possibly whilst wearing a uniform, will be poorly rewarded in coins, notes and food vouchers’. It’s crazy, but it just might work…

TOP TIP #4: ‘Not recommended for idealists.’

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